June 6th, 2014
May 23rd, 2014
I laid in the glow of the muted tv listening to songs that mean a lot to me and argued with myself about all the reasons leaving the house could be the worst idea I've ever had.
The yawns kicked in and I admitted defeat. I went to wash my face and get ready for bed.
I wiped the wasted war paint off my reflection. No matter how much I scrubbed, my lips didn't budge.
I forgot I put on color stay lipstick and so there I was, with immovably burgundy lips.
I took off all my clothes and crawled into bed.
And now I'm here with the dim light of my neighbor's too close kitchen and the soft hum of a sleepy cat curled against my spine.
It smells like someone's bonfire coming in through the window.
The songs are still playing. My lips are still burgundy. ...And I can't stop telling myself to shut up.
I look really fucking good right now and I'm trying really hard to not go out by myself and fuck a stranger.
I feel kind of emotionally out of control and I need to channel this electricity into a single outlet.
I am sick of telling myself it's not possible for me to be desired.
May 20th, 2014
I didn't clean today.
And it looks like this insomnia has moved in to stay a while.
May 18th, 2014
This bath is too hot, but the breeze is cool coming in through the window.
When I get out of this bath I'm going to go lay in bed and hope the breeze hits my back, my thighs, that there's still a little bit of water to evaporate and send cold shivers up my whole body.
I kept busy all day doing all the wrong things.
I made a mess I didn't bother to clean up.
I kept telling myself, "Tomorrow. I'll clean tomorrow."
It makes me want to scream when people say, "He's in a better place" or "he is happy with god in heaven" when someone dies.
Because no, he's not. And saying so is more saddening than allowing yourself to say goodbye.
Goodbye is real.
May 14th, 2014
Dorito-ing through some feelings right now.
Please excuse me but if an Elliott Smith song comes on I might have to call in sad to life tomorrow.
May 12th, 2014
I made a playlist today. It was supposed to be light and sweet and full of optimistic promise about the Spring romance I'm craving so badly.
But then it started to get dark, and it rained.
And I watched grown men get choked up thinking about losing their friend to sickness.
I watched them get faraway looks in their eyes while the peered into the past and remembered.
I watched their eyes glaze over with a thin layer of tears as they fought back their rage for how full of shit something like this is.
I saw messages of love travel between hearts across the world for the sudden loss of a young friend.
And I felt so sad...
And I got scared. I worried...
I left work a half hour before close because I knew if I got home early enough I could sit in silence a while and feel everything deeply for a little bit.
I took deep breaths and thought about everything I am. How happy I am to be who I am.
I admitted to myself that I am so scared to be alone.
I admitted that every ounce of me craves warmth. Touch. Reassurance. Comfort.
It's nothing new, but right now, the emptiness is so loud.
It's so cliche, but all I hear screaming through my head as I listen to this romantic playlist is "I just don't want to be alone. Please.."
Given recent developments I am sure now more than ever that life is too short to spend alone.
April 22nd, 2014
It's finally spring and every cell of my body is vibrating at the the idea of growth.
And I get overwhelmed and my body fills with electricity when I think about kissing cute faces.
Must kiss cute faces this spring.